A New Dad's Honest Struggle with Guilt
My Struggle to Navigate the Emotional Challenges of Parenthood While Managing Work Responsibilities
Hello Everyone!
This is my fourth parenthood-focused piece and, beyond sharing my experiences/learnings, I feel as if these posts are therapeutic on some level.
I’d like to start, thus, by thanking you all for your support and encouragement over the past month or so! It means a lot!
Becoming a dad is a weird feeling. It’s a blend of joy, fear and…..overwhelming guilt.
It’s been a beautiful milestone and it feels as if some dormant kind of love inside me has been unlocked on some level. Yet, I have also never experienced this level of anxiety and guilt before.
I had been briefed on the struggles of sleeplessness and exhaustion by friends and family. The guilt bit, though, is interesting because I don’t remember any of my friends talking about it and, to me, opening up about it helps so that’s what I’ll do in this piece.
Every Night Feels Like a Marathon
Between staring at my baby to make sure she’s breathing, the diaper changes and the feedings I’m lucky to clock a few hours of sleep every night. Then, all of a sudden, the alarm clock rings and it’s time to start work.
I work from home mostly, as I’ve shared in earlier posts, and one reason for that (beyond saving time on the commute) is to be able to take out bits during the day to take care the little one.
This feeling, though, of living two lives — one as a father and the other as a professional has generated a sense of guilt inside me. I feel as if I am not doing justice to either. While working, I feel guilty for not being 100% into it and, on the home front, I feel guilty for not spending every moment with the baby.
The Juggling Act
To me, balancing work and parenthood feels like having to take up the role of a professional juggler with no training/practice whatsoever. One ball is always at the risk of being dropped.
I’ve tried jotting quick emails while the baby takes a nap, taking calls with the baby crying in the background (again….thank God for noise-cancelling headphones) and blocking slots in my calendar for diaper changes.
Yet, in both spaces, I feel like I’m falling behind. I am managing to meet work deadlines but barely and at home, I’m often so exhausted that it’s a struggle to be fully present.
The Milestones Missed
Having to walk away from moments I’ll possibly never get back is where the real heartbreak comes from. I could be just about to log off work when a coworker schedules an emergency meeting and that could mean that I would miss the baby’s first smile of the day.
The conflict between the rational and the emotional bits of my personality is in full swing. It feels selfish to prioritise work when I want to be there for my child but well…the hard fact is that I also need to provide for my family. Each of these moments adds to the weight of my guilt.
Learning to Forgive Myself
I guess the main realisation for me, during my first month of fatherhood, has been that perfection in parenthood is an illusion.
The feeling of guilt is probably here to stay. I will, however, need to come to terms with the fact that being a father doesn’t mean getting everything right. It just means that I have to show up, no matter how imperfect I may be.
Ever since I found out we were going to have a baby, I’ve been reading a lot about childhood trauma and I guess that is why I am obsessed with going above and beyond with parenthood. Yet, if it was so simple, perhaps childhood trauma wouldn’t even be a thing to worry about.
I need to keep reminding myself that my presence, even if divided, could still be meaningful to my child. Whether that would be enough or not, I can’t say but I can only do my best.
I see you . love you and appreciate everything you do for us! ♥️ it’s not easy juggling work when you want to be with your baby
My Dear you are an immaculate warm loving person and above all a ❤️ loving Dad