How I Could Have Avoided Being Miserable at Work
Emotional Agility and how I could have cultivated it
Happy Friday everyone!
Over the past couple of months, fellow Substacker
(from Carer Mentor: Empathy & Inspiration) has been publishing some brilliant pieces on Emotional Agility and how we can cultivate it.It’s a concept that was introduced by psychologist Susan David and, from what I’ve understood, it’s the idea that we can develop an ability to be with our emotions and address them in a productive way. Essentially, it’s about acknowledging feelings, understanding why they’ve come up and, subsequently, using that understanding to deal with them.
Going through Victoria’s newsletters, I began to reflect on how embracing emotional agility could have helped me at various points in my career.
In this piece, I’ll share some examples of how not practising emotional agility proved detrimental to my mental health and…what I should have done instead.
Here goes…..
The High-Stakes Project
As the Business Operations Lead at a Fintech startup, I was managing a high-profile project to implement a new CRM system. I had just joined the company and, thus, was eager to make my mark by impressing the C-Suite. I was ready to hit the ground running!
On the personal front, however, I was finding it very hard. I was going through a prolonged phase of depression and it was weighing heavily on me. Instead of acknowledging my feelings and trying to address them, I decided to keep up an armour of stoicism. I strongly believed that showing vulnerability was a sign of weakness and thus, put a lid on my emotions…thinking they would go away magically.
This was (surprise…surprise) a flawed approach. Having ignored what my emotions were signalling, I became increasingly stressed and was ‘on the edge’ pretty much all the time. The quality of my work plummeted, as did my productivity. It got to a point where I started making decisions on the spot and misinterpreting feedback as criticism.
I should, instead, have taken a step back and acknowledged where I stood, emotionally. I did, eventually, seek help but I should have done that much earlier. Developing a sense of emotional agility would have helped me find my bearings. At the very least, it would have helped me manage my workload more realistically.
Conflict and Misunderstandings
A key aspect of emotional agility has to do with creating emotional space and acting accordingly. I, of course, had no sense of this concept and, as a result, a conflict with a colleague escalated unnecessarily when he refused to comply with a process I was implementing.
For some odd reason, I allowed my frustration to take the driving seat and impair my judgment. I should have sat my colleague down and sought to understand his perspective. He was a Sales Leader and, as I would be if I was in his shoes, was more concerned with meeting his targets. Incorporating my suggestions, from his perspective, would have added a list of admin tasks to his to-do’s and made him lose focus.
His concerns were valid and a healthy discussion would have allowed us to find a middle ground but I didn’t allow for that. That’s eventually what happened and I realised how misguided I was.
Had I approached the situation with emotional agility earlier on, I would have recognised my feelings of frustration and sought to understand my colleague’s perspective before jumping to conclusions. My frustration and irritability had nothing to do with him and there was no reason for letting the situation escalate.
The Road to Burnout
My failure to acknowledge what was going on often led to exhaustion and burnout. I constantly pushed myself without recognising my need for rest and reflection. Work, somehow, became a coping mechanism, even though as I’ve already explained, the quality of my work was progressively declining. I just didn’t know what else to do. It was either work or venting out frustration in private settings. The latter seemed like a worse outcome to me so I went with the former.
Self-compassion is a key aspect of emotional agility and taking a step back to introspect in the right way would have helped. That, however, came back to showing weakness and vulnerability which I didn’t want to do. YEAP…..I was stuck in a spiral!
Summing it All Up
When I reflect on that time now, I realise how my rigid approach to handling my emotions was counterproductive. Workplaces are meant to be social environments and emotions are constantly at play. Cultivating emotional agility essentially means recognising the fact that emotions carry valuable signals. Frustration with a project, thus, often might not have anything to do with the project itself and more to do with underlying issues that need addressing.
Embracing emotional agility earlier on could have helped me stay grounded, build stronger relationships and allowed me to set healthy boundaries with my work.
Emotions are not obstacles. They are allies in navigating the complexities of our lives. The line between personal and professional gets blurred when it comes to feelings and emotions. Emotional agility can help us acknowledge that and enhance our resilience.
I am working on myself and hope to get better at cultivating this concept and would urge you to do the same. With emotional agility, I hope to improve my interactions and ultimately take care of myself in a good way.
This resonated with me deeply. I guess I'm what they call a "people pleaser," and this is the main reason I'm struggling at the workplace. I avoid conflicts at all costs and can't say no when people ask me to do something, even if I feel uncomfortable. I want to leave a good impression and hope that people don't think of me as a negative person. As a result, I feel exhausted most of the time and start to question my decisions. Your article sheds some light on my situation; I didn't know emotional agility was a thing until now.
I actually came to reflect on the line which someone already has mentioned in the comments ‘ Emotions are not obstacles. They are allies in navigating the complexities of our lives.’ This is so true and one totally forgets this. We tend to get so much validation from working too much or hard without realising that you are not being productive at work or in your personal life. This piece is a good reminder about dealing with emotions. I loved it. Curious to know How and when did you realise that you were miserable at work? And you needed to show compassion? Any tips on that?